How to escape to El Salvador when SHTF

This is special guide for bitcoiners, due to the latest events and political changes in the world. Also satire (for those that lost their humor)

Recently, in U.S., Senators Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona and Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming have introduced Senate Bill 884, also known as “the Improving Digital Identity Act of 2023”.

If this bill passes both chambers and is signed into law, it will require all Americans to have a valid digital ID  -- IF they want to connect to the internet, open and maintain a bank account, obtain a passport, and gain access to medical care.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

But what will be described below, is presented as a parody of all these events and possible scenarios. It can be valid for all people in the world not just for Americans. If you are really taking in consideration this guide, please let us know if you succeeded.

For who is this guide?

• You are a bitcoiner or at least you start learning about and have some BTC stash already.

• You want freedom, free market and a world where you could prosper and live in peace.

• You are willing to do whatever it takes to fulfil your goal. It is Bitcoin or nothing.

• You have some skills and you are willing to start a new life. A Bitcoin life.

• You need to run, your life, liberty and security is in danger.

• You are a bit crazy 😂 (yes, you need a bit of craziness to do the following).

For who IS NOT this guide?

• Statists that love the State and governments and kiss all politicians ass every 4 years, voting.

• Nocoiners. Those that lost valuable years from their life and still deny the power of Bitcoin.

• Shitcoin maxis, those that hate Bitcoin (for its success). There’s no place for them in El Salvador.

• Fiat maxis, those that know about Bitcoin but still living in a fiat world and want to continue like that.

• Politicians and government employees. Yes, you motherfucker FBI agent reading this article. I don’t care!

• NPCs that have no clue about what is going on in this fucked up world.

So, let’s consider you are an old bitcoiner, trapped in a fiat world, trying to survive, trying to convince as many lost souls you can to start using Bitcoin. But your efforts are in vain, you see around you only NPCs, gov. agents that want to put you in jail or harass you every second, brain dead shitcoiners.

Why to El Salvador?

Yes, many will ask, but why to El Salvador? Why not to a fucking jungle in Amazonia or on the same island where Mircea Popescu and John McAfee are living right now, snorting coke and living like kings with 20 girls.

Because El Salvador is THE SAVIOUR! Is the symbol of freedom, is the First Bitcoin Country, the example for many to come. If the bitcoiners will gather there and especially the smart ones and with a lot of bitcoins and business ideas.

Because El Salvador in few years will be the new Hong Kong or new Singapore. It’s a small country but with a lot of power in the hands of bitcoiners.

What options do you have?

Taking a plane as a regular traveller? They will put you on the wall and search every inch of your body for a bitcoin wallet. Not talking about they will not let you go until you pay taxes for “capital gains” and all that bullshit. Passports, papers, all that bullshit etc. You just want to be left alone in peace.

Recently I was telling you the story of how Fiatjaf escaped to El Salvador, that could be an option, but risky and costly. Also accidents with these small planes are happening more often.

Option A – Sea shipping containers

Talking with other (crazy) bitcoiners, we end up to the conclusion that we could use shipping containers. Yes the old loving smuggling containers. Sounds crazy idea, but it could work. You could put all your crap stuff inside (but who want to take his crap to El Salvador if you already have bitcoins?) and also you could have a stock of beers and food inside. If you want to take your mining rigs with you also could fit inside. Please don’t take your pets (dogs, cats, snakes etc), will be hard to survive.

Steps to do:

• Dump all your passports, gov IDs, papers that mention your identity to the toilet. Forget about them. Sell all the crap you have for more bitcoins. You don’t need that crap. Carry as less is possible with you. You have bitcoins, you have all.

• Go to a veterinary and get a travel passport for your dog/cat/whatever. Later you will see why.

• Secure a copy of all your bitcoins in safe remote places. Why? Because travelling with a Bitcoin hardware wallet could be dangerous and bring too much attention (memorize seed words, upload on a server a steganography an image with your seed, insert the seed into a blog post, send a letter to your mother, even this guide could contain 12 words for a seed etc)

• Prepare your Lightning Network wallets with sats. Yes, in El Salvador you will need it, to live off.

• Prepare a shipping container. Do all the paperwork and even bribe custom agents to close the eyes to that container. Put yourself inside, comfortably, you will have a long journey.

• Arrange with the ship captain to drop your container near the shores of El Salvador. Later you will see why.

• If somebody is opening the container door during the journey or when you arrive, just say “I identify as a cat”. You are free to be whatever you want and they cannot say anything against, otherwise they are racists and persecute you as a minority (due to the new woke laws)

  

When you arrive (after 2 months):

• Mr.M, an old bitcoiner refugee in El Salvador for many years, will watch the shores of El Salvador beach and when your container arrive, he will come to open the door. Otherwise you will just die inside. He will be YOUR SAVIOUR! You owe him your life, remember that! Mr.M also is running a new rehabilitation program for all bitcoin refugees, named Start10.

• Mr.M will take you to an undisclosed location, where in the past all the Salvadoran gangs were having their HQ and now is refurbished for bitcoin refugees.

• Mr.M will provide you shelter and food. But will cost you sats, a lot of sats, so be prepared with your wallets, because Mr.M hate fiat, he accept ONLY Bitcoin. 10k sats/h a hammock between 2 banana trees, 100k sats a special luxury covered hammock. All rentals include a Japanese toilet heated by his BTC miners. Iguana barbecue will cost 250k sats/ration. Bananas are on the house.

• After the welcome party, you are allowed in that refugee camp only 1 week. During this week you have to find your own place in El Salvador. You could use the expats Telegram group for more resources to find your place in El Salvador. They are very helpful.

  

Option B – Trucks shipping containers

This is a special case for Canadians, trying to escape from the communist Chinada. Talk with your trucker friends and organize a big trucks shipment carrying these containers. More trucks, more containers, more Canadian refugees, better. Right now there is a growing number of Canadian refugees in El Salvador. They already want to buy a volcano and all the land around to declare it New Bitcoin Canada. They were so pissed about so much snow, 8 months of the year, that now they want live inside the volcano.

Steps to do:

• Arrange with some truckers a trip from Canada to El Salvador, carrying your container. Is better to organize it like a truckers protest, so in this way they will let you go. This was actually the mistake that Canadian truckers did: they remained in the same location. A protest must be done with an exodus, moving around. So say: this is a trip protest, we drive from Canada until South America. Nobody will wants protesters in their jurisdiction, they will even help you going through all borders, just to be sure you are not on their working shift. So nobody will give a shit what you carry inside the containers.

• Prepare yourself to be inside for a loooong journey. Water, food and patience you must have. Will be a hell of a journey so this will be the most difficult challenge you would have in your life.

• All the points presented on the previous option A.

When you arrive (after nobody knows how many months):

• Take a fucking shower. Why? Because you will look like this and nobody will want to talk with you anymore.

• Contact Mr.M (see previous chapter) and he will help you to get “onboard”. Be nice and pay your “seat”, otherwise he will transform you into a fertilizer for his bananas trees.

• Contact the expats Canadians group and find your place in El Salvador. Again, be nice and demonstrate you are a real bitcoiner. Otherwise they will kick you out or worse will tell to Bukele that you are an ex-gang member and try to infiltrate back into the country and destroy the Bitcoin peace.

Option C – take a Fedex special delivery

Yes, this is one of the most crazy and wonderful escape to the free world.

So FEDEX have a special delivery system, that nobody is looking inside. You prepare the delivery for yourself, as a special delivery for a domestic animal. Yes, you read it, you are a domestic animal. Why not?

YOU CAN IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS A CAT AND DELIVER YOURSELF THROUGH FEDEX.

If somebody will complain about that, just accuse them of racism, bigotry or whatever woke persecution. They will just STFU, scared the shit out of them. But yes, prepare all the paperwork as delivering a cat.

Just in case they will put you in an unpressurized cage, take an oxygen mask with you. The trip will not be so long as on a ship or truck, just few hours or maximum 1 day.

When you arrive:

• Always sustain that you are a rabid cat. But remember, in El Salvador do not say you identify as an iguana. They will eat you, because iguanas in El Salvador are a delicatessen. Bukele even built a dogs hospital a year ago, so maybe they will put you in a triage for a while, but no worry, if you have bitcoins, you are welcomed.

• Once you get free from the triage, contact Mr.M and expats group to settle your stay. Be nice, these people just want to help you onboard, so don’t be a dick and abuse of their help.

• You could even use the shipping container as your temporary house, until you find a good place. Or just live inside, you already get used to it. Soon will be anyways a new town built of all these containers from refugees.

So that’s all I would say, if you want to follow all these crazy scenarios, it’s up to you. My only advice is to be a nice person, a nice bitcoiner, bring peace and bitcoins to the new world, respectful and be creative.

I will come also to El Salvador but my method is a bit different, I will just take a plastic bottles raft that I prepared for the last 2 years. Now I am going to jump onboard…

Darthcoin onboarding to his plastic bottles raft, to go to El Salvador

I hope you enjoyed this parody guide and think seriously to escape to El Salvador.

Help me Obi Wan Bukele... you are my only hope.

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MAY THE ₿ITCOIN BE WITH YOU!

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